July 19, 2007
Dating a Triathlete
Here's a list of explanations of how English differs from "Triathlete-speak" in the wonderful world of relationships. I can't take credit for this one, but felt it was funny enough to pass along — I can't decide if it's amusing or distressing when particular paragraphs hit close to home.
"I am an outdoors type of person." Really means: I train in any type of weather. If it's raining, snowing, 90 degrees w/100 percent humidity, or winds gusting at 30 mph. I don't want to hear any complaints because I will still train in it and you're just a big wuss for complaining about it."I enjoy riding my bike." Really means: with or w/o aero bars, alone or in a
peleton, I don't care. If you can't do a spur of the moment 30 miler then
you're not my type. I will let you draft, but if you can't hang and I drop
you - I will see you later. I am a capable mechanic, but don't expect me to
change your flats or tune your bike. You need to learn that on your own."I enjoy jogging." Really means: Let's run hills until we puke. I have just
as many shoes as you only mine are better because they are functional and
all look the same."I enjoy dining out." Really means: I enjoy eating out, in or anywhere else
I can find food. Don't be shy because with the amount of food I eat, you can
have that main entree instead of a salad and you will still look as though
you eat like a rabbit in comparison. Don't get your limbs too close though
as I may take a bite out of you. Most importantly don't expect any taste off
my plate unless you can bring something to the party like more food.
Eventually though if your not burning 4,000 calories a day your going to
plump up and have a terrible complex due to watching me eat deserts and not
gain any weight. Friends and family will eventually decide not to dine with
us anymore due to my horrid table manners. Oh, and don't ask me any
questions during breakfast, Mid Morning Lunch, Lunch, Afternoon lunch,
dinner or Recovery Dinner as it does not lend to efficient food intake."I enjoy quiet walks on the beach." Really means: Walks on the beach warming
up into an 8 mile run and then plunging myself in the ocean for a 2 miler.
If you get in my way you're going to find out what mass start is and let me
assure you that you don't want to find out."I find fulfillment in charitable work." Really means: If I am not racing, I
am volunteering and I expect you to be there along side me as I stand out in
90 degree weather for 8 hours handing out sports drink to cyclists going 20
mph. Just stick the ol' arm out there and hope it doesn't get taken off."I enjoy sharing quiet moments together." Really means: It's taper time.
Just back off because I am strategizing and in a pissy mood because I am
worried about my "A" race and can't workout."I am an active person." Really means: Aside from my 40 hour job, and the 8
mandatory hours of sleep a night. 10 hours a week are devoted to me during
the off-season and 20 during race season leaving us 4 hours. 2 of which are
spent inhaling food and you not talking to me, so let's make the best of the
2 hours we will spend together on average each day. If you are a licensed
message therapist or doctor this would make the most optimal use of our time
together. Nutritionist is also acceptable, but I probably already know just
as much as you."I enjoy road trips and leisurely drives." Really means: You have your
choice of Wisconsin, Idaho, Florida, California, Arizona, and Canada, but
don't expect to do much site seeing. If I get enough support from you we
might be able to include Hawaii in there."I enjoy site seeing." Really means: Lets grab a mountain bike and get our
HR's up to 90%. There's plenty of time to look around on the descent as
trees and bushes whiz by you at 40 mph."I like stimulating conversation." Really means: while we are running, we
can talk about food. Then we can talk about how we decided what to wear on
this run based on the temperature at start time versus the temperature at
the time we expect to finish, how horribly out of shape we are, how many
miles we did last week, and how many we will do this week and next week.
Then we can talk about food."I enjoy relaxing soaks in the tub." Really Means: I'm going to stop on the
way home and buy two bags of ice, throw them in the tub with some water, and
sit in this torture chamber for 30 minutes."I'm interested in photography" Really Means: My camera is permanently
perched a tripod in front of my trainer. I obsess over taking photos of my
bike position and analyzing them to get the perfect setup."I'm into in technology" Really Means: My HRM and bike computer are my best
friends. Until you can give me some hard data that can improve my training,
don't bother trying to buddy up to me. You could one day break into the top
three if I find you as entertaining on long runs and rides as my mp3 player.
If anyone knows who wrote this originally, I'd love to cite them proper credit.
--Jonathan
Posted by admin at July 19, 2007 01:37 PM